


Love me do

by Listen_to_my_Melodia



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, But he knows what he wants, Chan's PoV, Jeongin wins, Kinda, M/M, and struggling with his feelings, and stubborn as well, chan is subborn, jeongin is sad, they make me soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2020-04-07 22:40:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19094500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Listen_to_my_Melodia/pseuds/Listen_to_my_Melodia
Summary: "I love you Chan, but sometimes I hate that you're our leader."ORChan is struggling with his feelings for the magnae and his role as a leader.





	Love me do

Once again, I was there, in the studio. I wasn’t composing, like everybody easily believed, just thinking. This little room was my hideout, the one I spent more time in than any other. I wasn’t even half as often in the dorm as I was in the studio.

True, most of the time, I was working; either writing songs, looking for ideas for the new choreos, listing potential concepts or monitoring our performances. Sometimes, though, I was simply daydreaming, enjoying the little time I had to think about me and myself only. This was the only place I could let myself be a bit egoist without feeling guilty. It was my safe haven, where I could take all the time I needed alone and take some distance from the perfect leader I needed to be.

“Chan-hyung, what are you doing?” Jeongin asked from the door frame where he was standing in an oversized hoodie.

One eyebrow raised questioningly, he waited for an answer while looking at me expectantly. I was sitting on the floor in the middle of the room, staring blankly at the small window while my computer rested alone on the desk. With a snow white crumpled paper in one hand and pen in the second one, I knew it wasn't really what he expected from the leader he painfully looked upon.

“I’m working,” I said, as natural as possible.

The screen saver showed some bubbles floating on the dark surface, showing how hard I was working on the new song.

 “On the floor...” He stated as if I was crazy, his eyes drawing me in more than I dared to admit.

Maybe I was, crazy that is, I thought. I forced a clumsy smile on my lips to answer his question with the hope it would be enough to make him forget.

“Exactly.”

“Without your computer.”

“Yes.”

“With a paper, you clearly didn’t use?”

“Yes.”

“Did someone tell you what a weirdo you are?” He joked, offering a gummy smile only I could understand.

Looking away, I avoided this soft gaze focused on me and stuck my tongue out at him. His gaze might burn my skin, one day.

“You do that all the time, but it's not like I believe what you say,” I answered, catching his eyes to be sure he would get the whole meaning of my sentence.

I saw him shiver and his jaw clenched painfully. He understood. His eyes were so dark, piercing through my soul and I wished for a second I could take back my words.

The talk might look casual, but it wasn't so insignificant.

While I looked at him, I got lost, forgetting the time and almost jumped up to catch him in a hug when I noticed the hint of sadness in those black orbs. It lasted only a few seconds that looked endless and during which we exchanged way more than our words ever could.

As if, without my consent, my eyes were there to send this silent confession that I knew mutual. A short moment as short as prohibited that couldn't allow to go on.

“Why are you here, Jeongin?” I sighed, shaking off the feeling of our interaction.

“I was looking for you,” he replied all too easily, sincerity dripping from every single word.

“Well, if our dear magnae is only here to criticize his father, he can as well leave him to work,” I tried to joke as I stood up.

Upon hearing my words, he took a deep breath and I could see him clench his fists. He knew. He knew that behind the fake touch of humour was a refusal. Just like he could easily notice that behind the choice of words, it was him I desperately tried to turn down, _us_.

I built this wall of kinship, this fake family relationship to stop myself, and him as well. If society’s rules, our work or common sense weren’t enough to tame those feeling, maybe the suggested taboo of the incest might be able to.

I could feel in his gaze some kind of defiance mixed with anger.

Without a sound, he threw this question in the dark, checking my will and my determination. To avoid faltering, I broke our contact and looked away toward my laptop. I turned my back to him, staring at the screen more than necessary as I waited for him to leave.

I wish I was strong enough to be mean, break him down so he would hate me, but I never was able to be more violent with him. I cursed my weakness toward him contributing to danger his future.

My own heart was bleeding at the idea, but I needed him to give up, to leave and forget. I simply couldn't allow him to try any longer and curse his whole life.

In front of him, though, I wavered, too soft to be hurtful.

I didn't want him to be hurt in the first place, but I had to. I couldn't let him think I was ready to give in. I couldn’t give him hope where none were allowed. Despite his maturity, he was too naïve, far from being able to understand what those feelings could do.

Unlike what he firmly preached with his foolish young mind, the matter wasn’t only between both of us. It has also to do with the whole group, the agency, the fans, the _world_.

As public figures, we had duties he didn’t fully grasp just yet. Beside some attention from a few fans, the fanfictions and the fuss around ChangLix or Minsung, he didn’t seem to understand how harsh the world could be, let alone in the wonderful entertainment in Korea.

We were selling our voices, our bodies, our images and somewhere, our lives. We could curse the system and cry out for freedom for the sake of the art, but we weren’t allowed to walk too far away from the lane.

We had to do sacrifices for our fans and our images were manipulated by the agency. If it was forbidden to stay too close with our feminine colleagues, it wasn't to build a relationship with another member of the group, a _boy_.

This was what Jeongin never seemed to understand, or maybe he just didn't want to. This was the other side of the coin I tried to preserve him from for so long. It might have been my mistake, I spoiled him too much.

Behind me, I could still feel his presence, but I didn't dare to move. I didn’t need to turn around to catch his thoughts “I don't care about what people say”, “Trust my feelings.”

Little Jeongin, our innocent magnae… After eight years surrounded by this environment, I knew it was never so easy. I have seen trainees getting kicked out and idols boycotted for less than that.

I didn’t want anything more than believing those sweet words, but they were for people who could actually live freely, for those who wanted to be reassured but never needed to fight.

How many times? How many times did I want to give in? Follow his lead and let my feelings overcome my reason? Give up those responsibilities I barely could bear and trust his gullible words... way too many times.

He was always the one to weaken my conviction and I wanted to believe it would be as easy as he made it sound, but the memory of a few remarks from our manager and some comments from the fans vanished those thoughts right away.

I couldn't let him break what we had, everything we build with our tears and sweat. I couldn’t, not even for some delusional feelings, we might share.

Gosh, what did he make of me? A poor weak man struggling with his emotions, too heavy to bear and too strong to erase. I wished I could go back to the time, before I walked out of my boundaries and prevent this mess to happen, suppressing his love like mine to avoid any pain.

My feelings didn’t matter anymore; if I couldn't stop them, I hoped I could at least disperse his. He was young, curious and stubborn, but more easily swayed. As weird or complicated as it might look, I knew that with a bit of time and efforts, his heart would change eventually.

To my great relief, Woojin’s head appeared through the half-opened door of the studio. I turned toward him to share a bright yet tired smile, avoiding on purpose any visual contact with our magnae.

“What are you doing?

“Working on the album.”

“On the floor?” he asked with a slight frown as he looked at the paper and pen forgotten on the ground.

“Someone told me that already,” I sighed with an overacted pout.

Immediately, Woojin rushed toward me and pinched one of my cheeks as if I was a kid. When I said he never acts and considers me like a man...

“Oooh don't be offended Channie, our baby was mean to you? Should I scold him for you?”

From the corner of my eyes, I observed our “baby” who was staring at us intensely, decided to not miss a single second of our interactions. We were so close, too close for any social standards, but none of us minded. I frowned in front of our oldest member and nodded without walking away from him. I leaned against his body, my nose almost nudging his nape and I saw him giggle at the sensation while he started scolding the youngest.

“Bad baby boy! We should be stricter! We are too kind with this kid, really,” he joked as he took place behind my back, crossing his arms around my hips. “I'm not sure the others are much better though,” he added with a smirk.

I laughed out loud at his regular joke. I felt relief flooding as Woojin lightly rocked my body until I accidentally met Jeongin's eyes on me. I shivered and immediately looked away to avoid his open accusation. I didn’t want to face him. Instead, I focused on the ceiling and let the back of my head rest on Woojin's shoulder.

Between us, nothing was ambiguous. We were as close as two friends could be, with no discomfort and no hidden meaning. We cared for and supported each other more than the younger ones could imagine yet everything was clearly platonic. It allowed me to go with the flow when I was with him.

“Be a little gentler with your mom please,” Woojin addressed Jeongin with a laugh as he lulled me softly, “or else daddy will scold you!”

“Am I the mom?” I frowned, looking up to him through my fluttering eyelashes, “I thought we agreed on dad and daddy?”

“Ah right… Don’t bother any of your dads!” he corrected, addressing Jeongin at the side as if we were truly his parents.

I let him lead the game with some kind of gratitude. I accepted the fake couple I had with Woojin with open arms. It was another way to draw a line, emphasise our age difference and keep Jeongin away.

He was still standing almost in front of us, leaning against the desk with a painful wince on his face. I closed my eyes and snuggled a bit more against Woojin's shoulder, the hair on my forehead brushing his chin.

I tried my best to ignore the imploring eyes, but they seemed engraved behind my closed eyelids. When I opened them back, Jeongin's strong gaze ordered me to stop this cinema.

Even if the three of us knew there was no _Love_ between me and Woojin, I could feel his anger, his jealousy. I also knew he hated how demonstrative I could be with him when I tried so hard to make a distance between us. I knew all that, but I had to do it, for _him_.

I tried so hard to make everything natural between us... if only a part of those efforts had been used to build the relationship he asked for, where would we be now? They might be suspended. They might be just happy.

“Woojin-hyung… can I talk with Chan? About … something...”

Jeongin’s voice sounded raw and pleading. Woojin wasn’t stupid enough to ignore the tension and he released his grip, forcing me to stand properly. He offered a little smile to our magnae with his nod and sent me a wondering look.

I could tell a lot of things to Woojin, but _this_ wasn’t one of them. Of course, he knew there was something, all the members did, but he was far from understanding the whole situation. Woojin was used to Jeongin’s possessive tantrums but shrugged it off as a whim, a privilege for being the youngest of the team.

For once, though, he seemed to catch it was deeper than mere caprice. Still smiling, he avoided my pleading look and patted Jeongin’s shoulder before he left the room without asking for more. He knew the youngest enough to guess he needed privacy and closed the door behind him.

Jeongin leaned against it, stroking his face in desperation.

“Chan …” he began, gathering all his courage to speak up, “why are you always like this?”

“Jeongin, _please_ ,” I breathed in deeply, “don't lose our time. We already talked about this, right? Things are better the way they are.”

“They are not!” he spoke louder, his voice trembling slightly. “I know they’re not! We…”

“There’s no we, Jeongin,” I cut him before he had time to end his sentence, “Just forget whatever feeling you think you have and don’t even think about some potential relationship. You’re young…”

I couldn’t end my sentence, but the idea was there. His gaze, until now tinted by jealousy, turned more pissed and for the first time ever, this anger was directed toward me.

“Are you kidding?” He looked outraged by my lack of tact. “Because if you are this is not funny.”

“I'm not really in the mood for jokes. Don’t bother, I already know what you want to say and you also know what my answer is,” I stated firmly. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat, “You should move on, that's for the best.”

I was harsh, more than I've ever been before, but the glimpse of hope in his eyes didn't leave me much choice. Every single move toward me showed too much determination and too much affection; way more than I could let him have for me.

Far from stopping him, my words seemed to reinforce his will and double his anger.

“Do you truly _think_ I can _move on_ like that? Do you truly imagine I can forget my feelings in a snap of your fingers?” He cried out, “I know you don't even believe it yourself,” he defied with a weak conviction. “Unless it's my feelings you don't believe in,” he whispered anxiously, voice broken.

The muscles of his jaw clenched, throat tightening, eyes fierce and hurt... he never looked so genuine. So genuine and broken it felt too pure and it reached my heart way too fast.

“Jeongin…”

“Don't act like you know everything, Chan. You never asked how I feel because you think you choose the best. But the best for who? Maybe the best for you, but clearly not for me! Do you ever wonder how hard it is for me? Can you imagine how you ripped my heart out?” He exclaimed loudly.

I sighed and glanced at him with compassion. He had something that reminded me of a kid making a caprice mixed with his teenage face. I couldn't concede to this kind of act. However, in front of his distress so sincere, I felt my resistance breaking.

“I know what think, ‘you’re young Jeongin’, ‘you’ll be fine’,” he mimicked, tone harsh and hurt, “But you don't understand. I’m not fine and I won’t move on so easily,” he looked on the verge of crying and I had to fight myself to refrain from rushing to hug him.

“I spent _two fuck*ng_ _years_ torturing myself with those feelings and wondering about yours. It was really hard and I wished with all I had for you to like me as well. I thought it was the worse time, but even if now I know you feel the same – and you can't even deny it, please don’t – I think I never suffered so much.”

“Jeongin, you don't understand.” I tried to explain with composure.

“You're the one who doesn't understand! You might be able to go on like this forever, but I will not bear this pain much longer!”

I never liked to see him like this. Jeongin wasn't shy, but he was a bit introverted, detached, in particular with his private life or feelings. Some people thought I was cold, at first, but he when he wasn’t smiling he was colder. He didn't like to show his emotion, even less his weakness, I knew how doing all that cost him.

“I love you Chan, but sometimes I hate that you're our leader."

I knew he barely controlled his words. Unlike me, it wasn't his brain talking. Eyes glittering with what almost looked like rage, his heart was the only one talking.

“My feelings for you are sincere and I know you love me back, so why making things so complicated Chan?” He asked between hurt and desperation.

Taken by compassion, I weaken and followed my urge to hug him. Slowly, I slid my arms around his torso and held him as much as possible to reassure him. Unconsciously, my attitude seemed to be at variance with my words.

 “You know we can't do this.”

“You know I won’t give up.”

If the situation wasn't so serious, I could have laughed with the way he said it.

His hands clenched my shirt behind my back. He gulped with difficulties and his breath eased slowly. After a while, I could hear his heart do the same against my chest. His whisper reached my ear, followed by a butterfly kiss and I stopped him.

“You can’t even imagine what all this mean;” I answered, ignoring the firm and determined tone of his voice.

“You don't understand I love you.”

I gasped and goosebumps ran down my spine. My heart was beating so fast, I felt almost feverish. Despite my resistance, I melted, his declaration had always the same effect on me. Eyes closed, I fought. Against him, or against myself, I didn't know any more.

“I know we can't be seen, but I don't ask much. I just want to love you.”

A little bit more and I would be the one to cry. From nervous to moved at the whim of his words, I simply melted. I tried to deny it, but I was entirely under his power.

“We spend our life under the projector, but even if it's just a bit, can't you be yourself, with me?”

Without answering, I held my breath, caught by those words I wanted to keep in my heart.

“Even if it's only in secret, let me love you...”

Against his body, I huddled a bit more and he did the same, ready to keep the position forever.

Willingly or not, I could only give in. I didn't need anything else. After all, I knew from the start our feelings were the same. We were both trying to live and hide those feelings behind the whole of our fame. But keeping them in our soul, like the precious gift they were.

Those feelings... stolen, taboo, muffled. This sweet warmth.

To let it slip away during those secret moments. Hidden behind a glance, a smile… our love...

Shining for us, dissimulated by the darkness of the night.

**Author's Note:**

> For any suggestion, prompt, cheering or just to ramble with me, find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/MelodiaChi) [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/melodiachu/) [CuriousCat](https://curiouscat.me/MelodiaChu) (tho I didn't start on that XD)


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